In the 237-year history of the United States House of Representatives, a grand total of six members have been expelled. Three of them were literal Confederates. Now Congress is about to try to boot four members in a single week — two Democrats and two Republicans.

What a time to be alive. The U.S. Congress is finally cleaning house, and all it took was a parade of scandals so disgusting that even Washington couldn’t look the other way.

So who’s on the chopping block? Glad you asked.

First up: Rep. Eric Swalwell, Democrat from California — the same guy who got caught cozying up to a Chinese spy a few years back and somehow kept his seat on the Intelligence Committee. Four separate women have now accused him of sexual misconduct, including a former staffer who told CNN that Swalwell raped her while she was intoxicated in 2024. The Manhattan District Attorney’s office has opened a criminal investigation. Swalwell’s response? He suspended his campaign for California governor and issued one of those classic politician non-apology apologies about “mistakes in judgment.”

Mistakes in judgment. That’s what we’re calling it now. Four women, a criminal investigation, and Snapchat messages we can’t print in a family newsletter — but sure, “mistakes in judgment.” Like he accidentally ordered the wrong thing at a restaurant.

Rep. Anna Paulina Luna is forcing a vote to expel Swalwell this week, and it’s picking up bipartisan steam faster than a grease fire at a congressional cafeteria.

But we’re not playing favorites here. On the Republican side, Rep. Tony Gonzales of Texas admitted to having an affair with one of his staffers — a woman named Regina Santos-Aviles who later set herself on fire outside her own home and died. Gonzales initially denied it, then confessed, calling it a “lapse in judgment.”

Gonzales dropped his reelection bid and says he’ll cooperate with the Ethics Committee investigations. Democrats are expected to force a vote on his expulsion as a counter-move to the Swalwell vote, because in Washington, even accountability has to be a political chess match.

Then there’s Rep. Sheila Cherfilus-McCormick, Democrat from Florida, who allegedly stole $5 million in federal COVID relief money and funneled over a million of it into her own congressional campaign. The Ethics Committee found her guilty on 25 out of 27 charges. She bought herself a 3.14-carat yellow diamond ring with pandemic funds. She had friends and relatives donate the stolen money back to her campaign disguised as personal contributions.

The Democrat Congresswoman thought it was ok to take YOUR tax dollars — money that was supposed to help Americans survive a pandemic — laundered it through her buddies, and used it to buy herself a seat in Congress and a fat diamond ring. And she’s still sitting in that seat right now.

The Ethics Committee has set an April 21st hearing to decide her fate, but honestly, what is there left to decide? She was found guilty on 25 counts. In any other job in America, you’d be in handcuffs. In Congress, you get a hearing date three weeks out.

Rounding out the Fantastic Four of Congressional Disgrace is Rep. Cory Mills, Republican from Florida, who’s under investigation for financial misconduct, campaign finance violations, and — wait for it — sexual misconduct. He denies everything.

So here we are. Two Democrats. Two Republicans. A rapist, a diamond thief, a guy whose staffer died in the most horrific way imaginable after their affair, and a fourth member under investigation for campaign finance violations. And Congress — the same institution that couldn’t agree on how to fund the Department of Homeland Security for 52 straight days — is suddenly finding the moral clarity to clean its own house.

Don’t get too excited. Expulsion requires a two-thirds majority, which means you need the kind of bipartisan cooperation that Congress hasn’t shown since they voted to give themselves a raise. The last member expelled was George Santos in 2023, and that took months of dragging, screaming, and public humiliation.

But here’s what’s different this time: both parties have skin in the game. Democrats can’t protect Swalwell without looking like they’re defending a guy accused of rape. Republicans can’t shield Gonzales or Mills without looking like they’re covering for their own. For once, the political math actually favors doing the right thing.

Pop quiz: When was the last time “doing the right thing” and “political self-interest” pointed in the same direction in Washington? We’ll wait.

The real question isn’t whether these four deserve to be expelled. They do. The real question is why it took this long, and how many more members of Congress are sitting in their offices right now sweating through their suits wondering if they’re next.

Because we all know this isn’t just four bad apples. This is four who got caught. The swamp doesn’t drain itself — but apparently, when the smell gets bad enough, even the alligators start gagging.